Tamarack Cellars Firehouse Red 2005

Never trust a wine you can buy in the grocery store. This is what my elitist friends say time and again. And I say it depends on the grocery store.

I grabbed a bottle off the shelf and dropped it into my basket between a block of organic extra-firm tofu and a sixpack of Miller Highlife tallboys. Life is about finding a balance.

To me, a big part of any wine experience is the sensation of being much more sophisticated than I actually am. So before I uncork this baby, I flip on All Things Considered. Then I pour a nice tumbler-full (did I mention I don't own any stemware?) and consider the color. This wine is reddish-brown. So far, no surprises. It smells the way that wine smells. I mean, it's a scent that doesn't exactly scream "drink me!" But it doesn't say "I am poison" either, so, gingerly gripping the lip of the tumbler to avoid warming the contents, I take a dainty sip.

This is the part of the show where my lack of wine vocabulary is going to slow me down. I can tell you that the label uses phrases like "smooth," "full-bodied," "surprising depth" and "fruit-filled." To me, these words conjure up Matt, who discovered during the course of our relationship that he was gay.

I actually drink this stuff all the time, both at restaurants and at parties thrown by good-looking, educated friends of mine. The name is easy to remember and I know I like it. And it's good with everything—steak, pasta, french fries, chocolate cake, PBJ, Ritz crackers, pistachios, seven-layer bean dip...

PRICE: I paid less than $20 for the bottle.
DRINKABILITY: I should be buying it by the case. It's practically a food group.
SNOB VALUE: Some. Aside from the grocery store provenance, it's actually a pretty swell table red. And it's wine, right? It's already a step or two up from what I usually drink.
WHERE TO FIND IT: Tamarack Cellars
FAMOUS LAST WORDS: Who needs a heterosexual boyfriend when you have a bottle of Firehouse Red and a stack of trashy romance novels?