DaMa Cabernet Sauvignon 2004

It takes a bold wine to wash out the taste of point-blank rejection.

And in my opinion, whiskey is faster.

That said, I only had wine in my apartment tonight, so I went with wine.

DaMa cab 2004 reminds me of my vanilla cigarillo phase—somehow, Dawn and Mary managed to take a dark, smoky wine and infuse a guardrail of vanilla that can only be accessed by driving drunk on pistachio highway.

What happened was, I've been having this series of strange, desperate nonrelationships with strange, desperate men. To solace myself, I've been eating pistachios and writing long, weepy e-mails. Well, tonight I remembered that it has been a while since I said anything about wine. Maybe that'll cheer me up, I thought.

For once, I picked the right wine. While DaMa recommends The Alienist or White Lights, I'm going with Jesus' Son by Denis Johnson. It makes me feel better about my life. You know, at least I'm not a drug-addicted drifter. At least I don't spend my free time after work watching Mennonites take showers. At least I don't go on acid trips in the library in downtown Seattle. Take that, world. This is real-life success.

Ha. Ha. Ha. Back to the wine. At first all I could taste was deliciously acrid, smoky, burnt-cherry darkness (dark as the souls of desperate townies, dear reader), but once I ate a handful of pistachios, I was floating on a river. A river with vanilla trees and vanilla skies. If somebody calls you, you should answer quite slowly—it's a wine charlatan with kaleidescope eyes.

PRICE: $25 at Walla Walla Wine Cellar
DRINKABILITY: This is probably too intense for everyday sipping, but it'd be great with buffalo wings or anything involving Louisiana hot sauce. However, in retrospect, I've downed half a bottle myself in the past two hours, so I'm going to rate the drinkability as "high."
SNOB VALUE: Also high. People who like wine appreciate those of their comrades who possess muscular palates.
WHERE TO FIND IT: DaMa Wines, Walla Walla Wine Cellar
FAMOUS LAST WORDS: And you, you ridiculous people, you expect me to help you?!